Sun, 08 Jul 2012
It’s July 8th, and this is the beginning of my 8th day sober. I’ve one 9 days before, just over a month ago. But never longer. I’m starting this blog today because I suddenly realized last night that I was not going to make it. I wanted wine last night so bad that I decided to buy some, then changed my mind, then changed it back again. About 6 times in one hour. I was furious that I couldn’t drink. Irritated, picking at my husband, frustrated. Generally itchy in my own skin. I hid in the tub (at 7:30 p.m.), waiting for the mood to leave me. It didn’t. Then I put on my pyjamas, sat in front of the laptop, and read the page that was sitting open – Unpickled. A blog written by someone anonymous, going through her own journey without alcohol.

Mon, 09 Jul 2012
I’ve stopped drinking a few times, for a few days at a time. I often have to take clients out to eat as part of my job, and I can go for dinner, be a good entertainer, and not drink at all. For a few days. The longest I’ve ever stopped before was 9 days, a few months ago. I remember I thought I’d try 30-days alcohol free, and I made it 9 days. Then I drank for several days, then I took another 6 days off. But that’s it. I read yesterday that the more times you try to quit, the closer you may be to really giving it up. Maybe we need to practice quitting ... Other than these two recent and brief attempts at more than a week sober, I’ve been drinking daily for about 3 years. Before that, for the previous 15 years, it was 6 out of 7 nights per week (I used to take one night off a week;recently, not so much).

Tue, 10 Jul 2012
I named this blog after a really great Tragically Hip song. I may not meet the textbook definition of an alcoholic, and I may never have had a ‘bottom’. But the problem for me (at least) is that I spend so much time thinking about drinking. How much wine can I have, when can I start, have I had enough, how will I sleep tonight, OK maybe just one more ...And I think that life without alcohol means that the noise in my head is just quieter all-round. Less noise in my head means I sleep better and I get more done. Is it about self-control? Sure it is. And clearly I’m lacking the self-control that would allow me to have a glass of wine, now and then, and just stop at one.

Wed, 11 Jul 2012
Last night I had flashes of “I’d like a drink to take the edge off” or I was remembering how I routinely would say to my husband: “when you’re out, can you pick up some wine?” I wasn’t really craving last night, it was more like a habit, an automatic response. Maybe it’s the time of day, 7:30 p.m., we hadn’t eaten dinner yet. And I imagined an evening WITH wine through rose-coloured glasses. Candles, dinner with my husband, we laugh at the table, a few glasses of wine. And yet, here’s what really would have happened: we’d eat in the office in front of the computer, watching “Britain’s Got Talent,” and I’d have 3 glasses of wine + a shot of Grand Marnier. Then, inevitably, I’d get really sensitive and nothing my husband would say would be right, and we’d go to bed (late) on opposite sides of the bed. I’d toss and turn all night, hot, nauseous, wake too early, drag myself out of bed to work. All day I’d feel like I was pushing a truck uphill, and it’s threatening to roll back down on me.

Thu, 12 Jul 2012
Alcohol is like a place. It’s where I go after dinner. It’s where I go on vacation. It takes me to a tunnel of fuzzy numbness. It takes me away from here. It’s a place I go in my mind. If alcohol was a place, I want to say now that I DON’T GO THERE ANYMORE. I don’t go to the fuzzy, hiding, numb place. I don’t go to the artificially loud, thinking all of my jokes are hilarious, place. I don’t go to the place where I feel crummy the next day – both physically and emotionally. I’m not sure all the time where I’m going instead, but not knowing – and occasionally feeling completely lost – has to be better than going THERE.

Fri, 13 Jul 2012
This is the beginning of day 13 in my Dry July. And while yesterday was a shitty day, I made it through. In fact, the computer problem is slowly resolving itself, and the family illness seems to have improved overnight. I subscribe to Notes from the Universe and on Wednesday, when faced with the worst aspects of my dead computer, I got this message: “If you knew I answered whenever you spoke to me, Belle, would you be still enough to hear me? Prepare to be amazed, [signed] The Universe. PS/ And if you knew I was listening, Belle, to everything you thought or said, might we talk again like old times?” I have to tell you this made me smile. I began to prepare myself for a miraculous computer recovery. Low-and-behold, when the new part arrived yesterday, I plugged it in (after leaving the machine off for 4 days), yes it worked. It’s limping along a bit lop-sidedly, but it’s open enough for me to get access to my most important client files.

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